About the Author:

Shoba Narayan is the author of six books. She has been a journalist and columnist for over 30 years, writing about health, relationships, travel, food and culture for global publications, winning a James Beard award and Pulitzer Fellowship. She has taught at universities in India and abroad. She founded and co-created Project LooM, about textiles traditions of India, and Jewels of India: about Indian jewellery. She is the host and anchor of Bird Podcast. She serves on the board of Industree Foundation, Neev Academy and Natya Institute of Kathak & Choreography.

The Difference Between Character And Achievement

One changes you fundamentally and the other improves you.

One of the continuous questions that surrounds the Trump presidency has to do with his character. This then is the dichotomy for all of us in life and in work: the difference between achievement and character. Trump’s achievements are beyond doubt. A two-term presidency is not won lightly. Character though is more nuanced and what his critics worry about.

This morning, seeking some inspiration, I began reading the Wisdom Stories on this platform. Some five hours later, I sat back, both inspired and humbled. These stories, narrated by accomplished men and women are both diverse and unified. The diversity comes from the variety of professions. There are corporate executives, senior government officers, designers, authors, and consultants. But all of them exemplify two qualities that catapults them to being the WisGen: optimism and imagination. They all have stayed open and engaged, they believe that the future holds promise, and they have creatively adapted their skills and attitude to suit their current circumstance.

The question then becomes about how you engineer this attitude when you are in your 30s, 40s, and 50s – when you are in the throes of building your career and in the peak of your insecurities plaguing you. How do you inculcate these qualities in your children so that these qualities will see them through the rest of their lives? The good news is that it is not all on you. If you look at your keystone qualities, both good and bad, you will see that many of them are because of genes, and a lot of them are due to the circumstances of your life, much of which happened after you left home.

When I look at young adults who are out in the world today, including my kids, I find that they have changed a lot from what they used to be in middle and high school. Kids who were good at compartmentalizing and doing their homework on time have become incessant phone-users, checking their social media every minute and second. They have, perhaps as a result, become more anxious than they used to be.

Yet, on the flip side, being forced to live in college hostels, without the cushion of lifelong school friends, has forced them to develop certain life-skills that you as a parent had little to do with. Your son may have suddenly become good at time-management, thanks to the fact that he carries a full course-load or work-load and has quietly and quickly (or slowly) learned to prioritize tasks and become more efficient at chores. Your daughter who used to wear her emotions on her sleeves has learned to de-escalate her volatile feelings, thanks to a workplace that is unforgiving towards displays of emotions. All of this has little to do with parents or parenting. It has everything to do with life circumstances and what gets thrown at you.

So how then to be intentional and conscious about who you want to become? How then to figure out the good qualities that you aspire towards and actually cultivate them? The first thing to do is figure out folks who will hold a mirror to your face and call you out on all the BS that you spout on a regular basis. This is not easy to do. We all have friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances, all of whom speak according to what they think you want to hear. With the exception of children who haven’t yet learned to massage the message to suit the moment, you will have trouble finding folks who will give you the unvarnished truth about your plus points and also your minus points. There are certain situations that help though. This means that you can train yourself to keep a heightened awareness during such situations.

Your spouse in the throes of a nasty quarrel will sometimes tell you the hard truth about your behaviour, often with a large dose of exasperation. This truth will be hard to hear and often, your knee-jerk reaction will be to dismiss what she or he says. “That’s not true,” you will think. “I am not like that,” you will tell yourself. But you are. And who should know better than anyone but the person who is living with you and being subject to all your foibles. Pay attention to this bitter truth. Later, when you calm down, figure out if you want to act on this particular accusation and change that behaviour.
A friend can, in passing, pass on a gem of wisdom about your nature. These are not close friends who feel comfortable pulling you up. These are casual friends who you meet socially. Normally, the conversation is on the surface level. It is all about being pleasant and exchanging pleasantries. But occasionally, this friend will tell you things about yourself that you need to pay attention to. It could be in a jokey way, or it could be a description of some irritating person that you both know followed by a comment, “And you are exactly like this.” What? Where did that come from? Go ahead, think this way. But also pay attention to the content.
Children will routinely call you out. They are the most reliable mirrors of your soul. If you can get off your high horse and forget all those traditional notions about kids being respectful and not rude to adults, and actually see what your child is saying about you, it will serve you well.

Once you learn who you are in this manner, you can get around to changing the things you want to change. Do you ramble? Learn to speak succinctly. Do you have trouble being on time? Find a friend or a device to create a regular alarm and keep it. Do you always cancel at the last minute? Take on fewer things. Often the person delivering the bad news will have a solution. So when your child, spouse or friend criticizes you, swallow your ego and ask them.

“How can I fix this?”

You will be surprised with the answer. It will be the first step to being who you want to be.

Read more blogs like this on wisdomcircle.com.